Ultimate springtime golf fitness tips for "real" golfers

By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor

For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.

Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.

Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."

So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:

• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.

Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.

• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.

Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.

• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.

• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.

• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?

Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.

• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!

• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.

• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.

So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.

The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?

• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.

• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.

PA Toyota Dealers agrees to major sponsorship

The Western Pennsylvania Toyota Dealers will be the presenting sponsor of four WPGA championships 2008-2010, two individual titles and two team competitions. They include the Amateur and Senior Amateur as individual titles and two foursomes championships-Fred Brand and Semple Brothers Century. Toyota's overall support of Association activities will be $10,000 annually.

"We're delighted with Toyota's support and the overall results of our first year in securing sponsors," commented WPGA Executive Director Jeff Rivard. Toyota has a history of supporting various golf competitions, including the Pennsylvania Toyota Dealers sponsorship of Pennsylvania Golf Association championships. Among programs at some of these WPGA events will be the display of Toyota vehicles by local Toyota auto dealers association.

The Amateur, along with the West Penn Open, is the area's oldest championship, starting in 1899. The defending champion is Nathan Smith, Pittsburgh, who won the 2003 USGA Mid-Amateur Championship. It will be played June 23-24 at Bedford Springs Resort's Old Course with qualifying sites at Cedarbrook, Iron Masters, Seven Oaks and Lakeview. The Senior Amateur, originated in 1929, is scheduled for Sinking Valley on June 11, north of Altoona. Don Erickson, III, DuBois, won last year's version. The Fred Brand Foursomes, started in 1954, has been played at Longue Vue Club in Verona since 1983, was won by Dave Ruffaner and Rob Voltz. It's scheduled for April 24.

The Semple Brothers, one of the Association's newest championships started in 2004 as a stand alone competition, started in 1996 in conjunction with the Brand. It began on its own at Allegheny in 2004. Last year's winners are Peter Dellovade and Eric Swart, who will defend their title on May 8.

BEDMINSTER TOWNSHIP, N.J. -- Combining classic style with modern technology and agronomics, Fiddler’s Elbow Country Club will unveil this season its r

The Old Course at Bedford Springs Resort has been selected to host the 108th West Penn Amateur Championship, scheduled for June 23-24, 2008. The tournament starts with a field of 78 playing 36 holes the first day, with a cut to the low 32 and ties (or within seven shots of the lead) for the second day. Nathan Smith, from Pinecrest, Pa., is the defending champion. On-line registration and more details are available at www.wpga.org.

ESPN Qualifiers To Challenge Old Course

The ESPN National Golf Challenge is to stage a regional finals qualifying tournament at the Old Course on Sunday, May 18, 2008. The winning twosome teams from the gross and net competition qualify to play in the nationals in Las Vegas on Oct. 24-26. The ESPN Challenge is open to the public. Call 814-624-5637 or visit www.espngolf.com for more details.

Old Course Ranked No. 1 In The State

Golfweek magazine has listed the Old Course at No. 1 among classic public-access golf courses in Pennsylvania, as part of the publication’s annual “Golfweek’s Best” series. It was the first time the renovated Old Course, which reopened last June, was eligible for the rankings, and ranked No. 4 overall among the classic (build before 1960) and modern public-access courses in the state.

Bedford Resort Partners, Ltd. is the owner and developer of the Bedford Springs Resort project. The Resort is managed by Benchmark Hospitality International, an independent hospitality management company based in The Woodlands (Houston), Texas, operates resorts, conference centers, hotels and condominium resorts both domestically and internationally. For locations of Benchmark Hospitality properties and for additional information, visit Benchmark's Website at www.benchmarkhospitality.com.